When Intimacy Used to Be Easy
Before our kid, intimacy felt effortless. There was time, energy, and space to connect without thinking about it. We could be spontaneous, affectionate, and fully present with each other. But now, after a long day of caregiving, cleaning, and being needed constantly, it can feel impossible to find that same spark. I love my partner. I still want to feel close. But by the time the day is over, I feel drained in a way I never did before.
The Guilt of Feeling Disconnected
Even when my partner doesn’t say anything, I can’t help but wonder—do they feel rejected? Do they miss how things used to be? And no matter how much I tell myself this is normal, the guilt creeps in. I know they didn’t ask for things to change. They didn’t suddenly become less deserving of affection, less worthy of feeling wanted. But somehow, I still feel like I’m letting them down.
I worry that they’ll think I don’t want them anymore, even though that couldn’t be further from the truth. I miss the ease of what we had before. I miss feeling like myself in that way. And yet, the exhaustion—both physical and emotional—makes intimacy feel like one more thing on my never-ending to-do list.
When You Have Nothing Left to Give
At the end of the day, sometimes all I want is silence. I want space. I want to exist without one more person needing something from me. And that’s the part that makes me feel selfish—like I’m choosing distance over connection. Because my partner isn’t the problem. Our relationship isn’t the problem. It’s just that I give so much of myself all day long that by the time I could focus on us, there’s nothing left.
What’s hardest is that intimacy used to be second nature. And now, when I do try, it can feel forced—not because I don’t want to, but because I feel like I should rather than want to. And that makes me feel even worse.
Redefining Intimacy in This Season
I’m learning that intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about connection. And connection doesn’t have to be grand gestures—it can be small moments, like:
• Holding hands while pushing the stroller
• Leaning into them on the couch at the end of the day
• Sending a random I love you text
• Hugging for a few extra seconds before they leave for work
These moments may not feel like much, but they matter. Because intimacy isn’t just about big, passionate moments—it’s about making each other feel seen, even in the smallest ways.
Accepting That This Is Just a Season
I don’t have this figured out. Some nights, I lie in bed feeling the space between us and wondering if they feel it too. But I remind myself that just because intimacy feels different now doesn’t mean we’ve lost it. It just means we’re learning how to find it again in a way that fits the life we have now.
And I have to believe that this version of us—the one navigating parenthood together—is just as real, just as meaningful, and just as full of love as the one we had before.
If you’re feeling this too, you’re not alone. You’re not failing. You’re just adjusting, just like I am. And love is still there, even when intimacy feels like it’s taking a backseat.
